Man up!

Dating is difficult. It is one of the most difficult things that we have to go through as teens and then as adults; and it just seems to get more difficult as time passes. Dating is just a euphamism for a prolonged interview process, and if you manage to get the "job", then it is up to you to decide if it is one that you really want for the rest of your life. The days of puppy love and crushes that consume your thoughts become replaced with considerations about whether or not the man sitting across from you will make a good provider, or a good parent; a partner in all of life's ups and downs and will stand beside you, regardless of what life throws at you. If the man staring back at you is considering the same things, and if not, what his motives are. As women, embarking on our 30s, we have been brainwashed by the media into thinking that we need to settle for someone who is willing to commit; that we need to follow the predetermined guidelines set for us by pop culture: 1) Meet-cute (2) First date: where you talk about all of the fluffy stuff that doesn't matter (3) Second date: where the woman has to prove that she is worthy of the man - she tries to prove her worthiness to the man by cooking for him, or dressing up for him, trying to fit the image that she thinks he wants (4) And finally, the third date and the expectation of sex. If a woman is unwilling to "put out", so to speak, then she runs the risk of never seeing the man again, or, in my opinion, worse, having sex with the man to meet his expectations and then, never hearing from him again.
It is no secret that I am incredibly unlucky in love. I have had a series of terrible relationships that have all ended the same way - with me in tears and the guy looking for someone better.
Yes, I have some issues. Yes, I have been through a lot in my 30 years on earth. Yes, I am not the perfect picture of health - I have been dealt a bad hand. But! I am NOT damaged goods, I am someone who beats the odds and won't let anything, not even poor health, stand in the way of doing what I want to do. I am not a victim of my circumstances, but rather a survivor. I have taken my life experience, both good and bad, and used them to connect to other people. I give everything I have to make the world a better place and to help those who can't help themselves. I will be the first to admit that I am flawed, but I try so hard to be a better person everyday and to treat people the way that I want to be treated.
Yes, I have bad days - but, I have more good days than bad days, and if I am confined to a 3 date maximum to decide my future with a man, I am unable to do that. For those men in my past who have called me "impossible to love" or "damaged goods", I feel very sorry for you; I feel terrible that you can't see past the couple of bad days that I might have and enjoy the good days with me. I do not want or need a caregiver, or for someone to support me while I sit around and do nothing. I work hard, I fight hard, I love hard, and I feel hard. I am strong and independent, I am beautiful - both inside and out, and I promise you, you wont do any better than me. The man who finally manages to meet my standards and who will support me the way that I support him, will be incredibly lucky.
It may have taken me 30 years, thousands of tears, and a string of failed relationships to realize that I deserve better. I will hold out for better. I will not confine myself to 3 dates, I will not buy in to the stereotype, I refuse to apologize for who I am because I think that I am pretty great, and I don't think it is too much to ask for a man who sees the beauty in me and who is willing to take me for who I am: the good, the bad, AND the ugly. No one is flawless. No one is perfect. All I can ask is for a man who will try as hard as I do.
So, in closing, regardless of your age, find someone who will love you because of your flaws and quirks and not just accept you in spite of them - believe me, you deserve better.
*Over & Out*
V

It shouldn't be hard to love someone

It shouldn't be hard to love me.
It shouldn't hurt to love you.
But it does...

What do you do when you love somebody so much that it hurts? It hurts because the person you love finds it hard to love you back. We all learn at a young age that if it hurts, don't do it; don't put your hand over flame because it hurts, try not to trip and fall because it hurts, so should we try not to love because it hurts?
I am so blessed to still be alive and I cherish each moment, but I want what everyone does: I want to be loved.
So why is it hard to love me?
And why do I love you, even though it hurts?

*Over & Out*
~V

Wishing on a star

There must be someone out there
There must be someone for me
I just want someone to share with
I just want someone to be

I have had my share of lovers
I have dried my share of tears
I have seen my share of happy moments
I have owned a lot of fears

I just want someone to hold me
through the night and through the day
I just want someone to love me
In that old romantic way

I just want someone to love me
The way I deserve to be
I just want someone to love me
to love me because I am me

Hide and Seek

I feel like I just want to hide from the world; like I just want to melt into the furniture or the walls. I feel so overwhelmed and sapped dry that I can hardly breathe.... but then again, it only hurts when I breathe. I know I will get through this and come out the other side a better and stronger person... but I just need to hide for awhile.

A helping hand ...

As some of you know, I have been strugging with a fairly severe illness since Christmas. It has really helped me learn a couple of lessons.

1) Your true friends will stand by you no matter what the circumstance. You true accuaintences will just not ask. Your fake friends will disappear.
2) Some of the most beautiful moments in your life can happed as you cry.
3) Grief leading to acceptance is not just a process, its a cycle. It can move around like a target at the end of a dark tunnel. But! Eventually there is light, and if you can hang on until the end of the ride, the sun will shine again.
4) If someone offers their help, accept without question of motive. Anyone who is pure enough to offer their help and mean it will not judge.
5) It's more than okay to ask for help. At least one person will be there for you when you need them to be,
6) Being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. Learn to enjoy the silence and your life will move forward even if you are still standing still.
7) Tell people how you feel, and be honest about it. You never know when you will get another chance.
8) If you can see the sunset, then go do it. Appreciate the relativity of your experience and know that there is someone, even if there is only one, out there who knows what you are experiencing.
9) Asking for a helping hand is not askjing for a hand out. It is not noble to lose yourself in the details.
10) Stuff is just house cleaning. Your being is forever. Don;t get caught up on house keeping because at the end of the day, your house will still be dirty.

*Over & Out*
V

Pensive

I miss someone I don't even know.
As the rain falls gently on the pavement, I find myself craving his smile.
His touch. His warm and soft embrace.
I know that being alone doesnt mean you are lonely.
I am not lonely, but I miss him.
Like the air would miss the wind.
Like the sky would miss the cloud.
I miss him and I don''t even know him.

Many Moons and Ripe Reflections

Wow.... 2010! What a trip! The last ten years have been an unbelievable convalescence of coincidences.
I think that, whether it is simply proximity or true revelation, 2009 has been the most trying and beautiful years thus far.
This year has brought heartache and joy. I have loved and lost. I have made some of the best friends this life has to offer and this world has lost some of the most beautiful souls that have ever graced the surface. I was fortunate enough to rekindle friendships and reignite former flames.
I learned the true meaning of strength. I learned how to hold my head up high even when my world is crashing down around me. I learned how to share my life with others and let my guard down even in the face of vulnerability. I found out what it means to be quiet and listen. I found the beauty in silent moments. I learned how to depend on others for strength when every ounce of my own strength has been taken. I learned what it means to be mortal. I learned what it feels like to cry until every piece of my heart has shattered beyond repair. I learned what it is to be a best friend and I learned what it takes to be a best friend in return. I learned the true meaning of love - a friend who will sit with you in a hospital room as you cry and walk with you through hell and back trying to find a silver lining. I learned what it means to ask for help. I learned what "courage" means. I learned how it feels to say "no" and how it feels to set limits. I learned how far I can go on perseverance and strength and that there are limits to what I am capable of - and that it is okay to be human sometimes. I learned that there is a contentment that comes with the realization that I am a beautiful mess and that people love me because of it, instead of in spite of it. I realized that I am brave and fierce and compassionate and stronger than I ever could have imagined. I learned that I am committed to making the world as beautiful and flawless as I believe it can be. I learned about commitment to a choice and living with the consequences of my actions. I learned how to fight for myself and my own justice.
I have been given some unbelievable opportunities this year to grow, be loved, to love in return, to hold close that which is most dear to me, to be raw and exposed and to realize that that is beautiful and honest.
I suppose the truth is that 2009 has been a very difficult year and that 2010 will hold its challenges and battles, but the result is that I will challenge the accepted norm and I will fight for my place in this world and cherish every moment that I am fortunate enough to experience. There is an unparalleled beauty in each still moment that you can grasp.
I love you all and I feel so fortunate to call you "friend".
*Over & Out*
V

Gah ... Time to post something new!!!

Perhaps it is time for a Haiku!!

I am tired now
I think I should go to bed
Time for a cookie?

**Over & Out**
~V